I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
