I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
