hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
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Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
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I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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