so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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