Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
