I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Barsexuality is the new black.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
