I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Randomize
