i permit you to call me
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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