Only a mothe r could love this liver
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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