I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
And then he peed in my hair
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
