thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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