i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
