Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
