Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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