sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
