hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
