i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She's the barista slut.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
