he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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