Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
