well I can't set my house on fire every night
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
