wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
