i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
