Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
