oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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