"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
