I must be too annoying 4 u.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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