Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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