Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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