My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
