Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
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hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
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Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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