If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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