If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
