I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Randomize
