i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
