So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
