I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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