me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
