My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
