You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
