i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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