Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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