haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
