I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
