i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
