his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
