Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize