was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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