i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
