Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
