let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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