theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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