before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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