Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
