I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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