She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
