my phone needs a breathalizer
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
