We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
