I am in a vortex of obligation.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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