I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
