Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
