You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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