Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
