Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The power of my boobs compel you
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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